to new beginnings

Maybe some people are meant to stay in the past.

i'm coming home

Have you ever feel like escaping from your own home? Not because you were feeling adventurous and just staying at home makes you feel like a sore loser. But because your home doesn't feel like home to you anymore. Like as if you were staying in a foster home instead; the people around you seemed foreign and none shares the same bloodline as you. As if you were staying with strangers instead of what you call as family.

Well I do. Every single day. Home never felt the same way as it used to be. I remember when I was little, I got separated from my parents, and both of them were so worried they might lose me. But I was not scared at that time, I was busy having fun. Maybe, just maybe, I was born independent, but I just don't know how to embrace it, yet. I think I can now. Now that everything is falling apart.

I got sick and tired of living in this house. I think every one of us is losing our minds; with all that shouting and screaming, and arguing back and forth, honestly it gives me major headaches. The pain was so intense, I could smash my head against my bedroom wall and paint it red. Even if I do, I doubt anyone would care. No one cares anymore in this house. Not even when I was held at gunpoint.

I am stuck in between four walls with no windows and doors, and day by day, they would inched closer and closer, suffocating me. I knew I was going to die, because I know no one will ever save me without sacrificing themselves. It is better to let one die than all of us altogether.

Proving a point in this house is never easy. It is as if you are talking (or screaming) to a brick wall. And I wish, that maybe, someone outside this house, could hear us. At least I know, there is more to life outside these four walls. I feel myself rotting in my own bedroom, locking myself, even skipping meals so I would not bumped into any one of them. There is no point. We were already strangers, passing each other like a ghost. There is no point.

My home is not my home anymore. It is somebody else's. I need to find my home.

unconditional

"Do you think it's possible
that some people are born to give
more love
than they will ever
get back
in return?"

- Tyler Knott Gregson //Chasers of the Light//

just friends

He said they were just friends but I know it is untrue. They talked. They hung out. They ate breakfast and dinner together. They stayed up late together. He gave so much of his time just to be with her. But with me, all he had given me were broken hopes and empty promises. Yet, he said they were only friends while he claimed I was the love of his life. Everyone in their right mind will know that is a lie. Even I think they were more than they said they were. As the saying goes, actions speak louder than words. I hate to say it, but his actions screamed love. His actions towards her spoke louder than his promises to me.

stranger's eyes

We passed by each other almost everyday

but while I was hoping for you to acknowledge me

all you did was looked straight ahead

as if your eyes weren't familiar with mine

as if our eyes have never met before.

But they did.

separation

Their lips stained tears as they kissed goodbye.

sacrifices

She is trying hard to fix everything; herself and others. She walks on broken glass to mend broken hearts. She walks through moving razors to stop one against one's skin. She empties bottles of medications so there is nothing left to swallow. She tried everything so one doesn't get hurt. Because through it all, she felt it. She bleeds from the pain. No one deserves to feel the way she feels. No one but her.

stone walls

When she finally learnt to love again,

but he said thank you instead.

01/11/15

He, whom I have known for three years, left me guessing, who was he really, is he even real.

He, whom went missing for two weeks, left me wondering, how was he doing, how did he move on.

He, whom stole my happiness for the past years, left me with sadness, when are you coming back, I need to be happy again.

He, whom said he misses me every single day of the month, left me feeling empty, what can he do, to fill my hollow chest.

He, whom said he loves me every second of the day, left me breaking, why did he say it, why couldn't he faked it.

He, whom sent me a text on the first of November, left me crying, where did he go, please don't leave me alone. 

you

Dear You,

I think I am still in love with you.

Please come back.

With love, Me.

final goodbye

Whenever I tried to have a decent conversation with you, you converse about someone else. We may be over but it still hurts. I tried not to be selfish and tried to let you go, but it still hurts with the thought of you being with someone else.

I think I might never have that closure after all. But it is okay. It is better to leave me in heartbreaks than to ever leave me fully whole.

Every shattered line will be a reminder for me of how much it hurts. Every pain it costs me will be a reminder of how fast I should move on.

Good luck with your life. May you find someone who will mean the whole world to you, as you were to me. Thank you for the life you have given me from a distance. They said distance will only bring us closer. But all it ever did was separating us.

turn of events

When you suffer from depression, you tend to think about death way more than living.

heartless

My chest throbs with every beat my heart makes, hitting the wall of my hollow chest.
Like an echo in an empty room.

Sorrows fill me up, choking my lungs with every breath that I inhale.
Like a smoke I swore I would never take.

Misery found its way on the curves of my lips, calling it home for the first time.
Like a girl lost at sea who found herself to shore.

tell me

Is it just me, or am I getting heartless day by day?

polaroids of us

I never asked you to take pictures of us together because I was insecure with myself. Even if we do, I warned you not to post them online because people might see us. They would ask why would a guy like you be with a girl like me; an introvert. I asked myself the same question, over and over again, for almost 8 years. Seeing pictures of you and your friends online, it makes me happy. You take pictures to remember the moment, to relive the memory. I want to. But I can't. Because I am nothing compared to them. I can't give you the same happiness, the same satisfaction they gave you. But I would like to be on your wall too someday.

misunderstood

She didn't drown herself.

She forgot to come up for air.

frozen

Cold.

That was all I could think about. The only light in the room is the numbers on my clock; 4:19A.M. My skin felt like ice; solid and cold. I realized I was sleeping without my comforters. It used to be different. It used to be warm, even without them. But now, everything is changing without you. Your absence brought emptiness into the room. Nothing feels the same anymore. Your presence was the only warmth I had. But now without you, I am chilled to death.

old habits die slowly

She used to be so afraid of checking her social sites; afraid to see what she hoped not to see, afraid to read what she hoped not to read. But every time her heart goes desperate, her senses immediately went to him, like a habit she favors the most. She clicked and typed, saw and read, every single thing posted by him. Her heart cried at the sight of him, her heart sighed from the words written by him. Seeing how happy he is now without her, she then realized that she was the one who tied him down to the concrete floor of her front door, holding him prisoner from doing anything that could possibly made him happy. For every desperate cries for him, and seeing how he could live peacefully without her presence, her heart finally let go. She can now check her sites like she used to, feeling happy for him if his name pops up. She can now scroll through her photo gallery without dropping a single tear.

confession

An anonymous asked me who I really am, and what is my story. So bare with me the long context of my life.

My name is Syuhaidah, and I am suffering from dysphoria (dysphoria n. a feeling of emotional and mental discomfort and suffering from restlessness, malaise, depression or anxiety.) What drove me to a state like this is peer pressure.

I was once like most of you; a normal human being. Studying as always, is stressful as ever but that is pretty much normal for every student out there. Then, I was introduced to sixth form. It was no different than high school, but with more pushing, pressure and competition.

My second year as a sixth form student was hell. I became delusional, really. With the idea of getting into university (or not) drove me insane. I began pushing myself to an extent where it is unsafe for a human being. I was in distraught. My mind was messed up. I felt like giving up but I know if I did, it wasn't over yet. There are more challenges in life which is far worst than sitting for an A'level exam (or so I thought).

You know that feeling of relief where you thought you have gone through the toughest week of your life, and survived? Yeah, I was feeling hella good after the exam. But that didn't last long. The anticipation of the result got me pretty anxious and nervous. And you know that feeling where you thought you have done the best you could to ace an important test, but failed? Yeah, that happened. And I was never the same since. Because I knew I have done my best to get excellent results. But deep down I know, it wasn't enough. No matter how hard I tried to make ends meet, the line cuts in the middle before I finally get to the end.

Whenever I tried to sleep peacefully at night, it became a huge battle for me. When you have an incurable messed up mind, you can't help but stay awake. For a normal person, it will only take 15-20 minutes to fall asleep. As for me, an hour became two, or even three. I used to love sleeping when I was young. Sleeping at that age makes me feel safe from all the monsters around me. They said just close your eyes, and the monsters will disappear. Now, sleeping has become a discomfort for me. Staying awake is safer than falling asleep. Because when I do, somehow, those monsters which I successfully avoided all those years, have entered my sleeping state of mind.

There are two types of dreaming; the good and the bad. Having a good dream is probably the best night for anyone who gets to have a taste of it. It felt like paradise. Your mind is at peace and nothing can hurt you. But as always, every good dream will come to an end. Having a bad dream, however, is not what everyone has hoped for. Nobody wants a taste of this. It can be very scary, and to some people, it might feel somewhat real. To me, having a bad dream felt like drowning. All I see is black, and it's suffocating me. But I see figures of some sort, holding me captive. As much as I struggle to break free, these figures wouldn't let me go. And finally, I became a part of them. But for every reoccurring dream, it became from a constant struggle to finally accepting, and drown. They wouldn't let me wake up, and it's frightening. I could get lost in the vast emptiness of my sleeping state of mind, and couldn't find my way back home. But when I do wake up, I will be sweating and my heart will be racing, and a sense of relief washed over me. I survived, yet again.

At this point, all of you might be wondering, who are these monsters that torment my every being, that haunts my mind endlessly. These monsters are you, the society. Everyday, day or night, it is a minefield for me. For every step I take, I have to be extra careful not to step onto them. I have been bullied and stabbed by whom I call friends, whom I call family. You might think I might have taken it lightly, and just smile, but truth is, it hurts. Your words or actions will be a constant reminder for me of how much of a failure I am as a human being. I smile to hide away my fears, my pain. But if it gets too much for me to handle, I will cry in my room, in my sleep. Nobody has to feel this way, but I did. From then onwards, I put a strong facade, I build my walls higher, and I guard them with all my might, so you wouldn't see me break down and fall. I am strong physically, but emotionally, I am still soft and weak. I will still feel pain. I will still cry. But that doesn't give you a reason to hurt me even more, to see how far I will go. Because of you, I became the person I am now. I became a heartless bitch. 

If you knew me better, I am very dependent on others. I can't live on my own, and I can never live on my own. I always cling to others, like my life is dependent on it. As much as I tried to stay strong, deep down I am still weak. But no one understands me. This is why I hate opening up to others, because every time I do, they wouldn't understand, they took it as a joke. They said I can do this, I am old enough to carry myself, but I need hands to help me. And this is why I don't trust people easily, they would always misuse my trust. Hence why I pushed everyone away, because I had enough. I had enough getting hurt. I had enough getting judged. I just had enough with life. Nothing good has ever come my way. Even if there is, it wouldn't last as long as I have hoped for.

I don't want you to cling onto me like your life is dependent on it. I know how it feels like to be abandoned after years of trust. I'd rather be alone than having someone by my side, and leaves me when I became too difficult to handle. I don't want that. I had enough people leaving me for good. And that is one of the reasons why I pushed you away. It's better to run ahead than wait til the end. I'm sorry if you are one of the victims. Just know that, I'm doing this for your own good. You have a life of your own, don't waste most of them on me, because it is not worth it. I am not worth it. I am already a lost cause. I am poisoned with negativity, and nothing can bring me back to the way I used to. I am a pessimist, no good you have given my way will be accepted wholeheartedly. I am already at the edge, and one more push will cost me my death. And I don't want any of you to be the reason why I choose to end it. Let my death be my own decision.

I have tried multiple times to be nice, and when I do, I meant it, with all my heart. I am not trying to be pitiful, or asking to be pitied upon. I was only trying to fix myself by being nice. I know most of you will be mad at me, for what I did to you in the past. I am not asking for an apology, because I deserved it. But just know that, I am trying my hardest to be happy.

To everyone who I have pushed away, I am sorry. But I promise you, I am trying to get better. I am still trying to fix myself to be a better person. I have an unhealthy mind and I don't want to spread it to you with my constant rants and anger. I know you are trying to help but at this point, no help from you can ever fix me, but myself. I am already tainted. I am my own monster now, thanks to all of you. Now I am just waiting for my time to be genuinely happy.

gloomy day

She lost the spark in her eyes to mother nature. 

Her spark became the lightning, and her tears became the rain

right versus wrong

I apologize if I push you away. I didn't mean to but you know I have to. Not because I don't care about you anymore, but because I care too much about you that I have to put some distance between us. I can be very overly attached and I know you don't want that. I'm sorry it had to end like this. It might hurt you but it will be more painful for me.

mixed signals

If you don't actually care, then why bother making an effort? You're only giving me false hopes.

convicted

Goodbyes kill more souls than bullet holes.

heartbeat slowing down

Do you hear that?

That pounding of my heartbeat.

When your skin grazed against mine, I feel a sense of electricity.

It's exhilarating.

Do you hear that?

That beating of life.

When you hold me, it awakened every dormant nerve in my body.

It's enlivening.

Do you hear that?

That single thump at a rapid pace.

But it's only coming from me.

Don't you feel the same way too?

lovesick fool

If I said I wished you the best, I was lying.

not enough

She's not cold-hearted, she's just tired with everything. She's tired of trying, and being good enough for someone, because she knew she will never be enough to anyone.

a lost child

Dear whom brought me to this world,

I wish you didn't.

I wish I wasn't born in a place like this, a place I used to call home.

Haven't you realize how much I have changed for the past years?

How insensitive and rebellious I have become?

How my emotions rise from true happiness then fall to real depression?

How I tend to look away and shut myself out whenever you tried to say something that might disowned me?

How I can't stop plotting and attempting suicide behind your back?

How fast I run away from you or how slow I walk that you might lose me in the crowd?

How less amused I have become, nothing including life interests me anymore?

How I wish I was in a different home with a different family?

Or how hard I worked my ass off, anything to get me far away from here?

Dear whom raised me in this world,

You have bred a monster.

hopeless thinking

I was hoping it would be different this time.

But it's okay.

I'm finally learning to accept that nothing good will ever happen to a girl like me.

letting go

Letting go is never easy.
But it has to be done at some point,
When what it does is only holding you back and bringing you down.

post reminder

Life is not about having what you really want.
But accepting what already has been, right in front of your eyes.

disappointed

"I think I might have ruined you."

You did.

sick

You shouldn't have seen that side of me. Now you would think I'm insane. You keep on telling me it'll be okay, when you know it's not the same anymore. You threatened to tell mom about my condition, but I threatened you not to. They wouldn't understand I said. Maybe they would you assured. But they won't, they seriously won't.

first runner up

I'm tired of trying to be someone's first choice,

because in the end,

I'm always everyone's second best.

going back to yesterday

What if we never met?

what changed?

How did we become from friends to strangers so fast?

not so numb anymore

It shouldn't affect me so much.

But it did.

It fucking did.

i hate you, i hate you so much

"IT SCARES ME BECAUSE YOU KNEW HOW MUCH YOU MATTERED TO ME; YOU SAID YOU FELT THE SAME WAY. HOW DID YOU LIE TO MY FACE, HOW DID YOU JUST WALK AWAY? I DON'T THINK I WILL EVER TRUST SOMEONE AS BLINDLY AND WHOLEHEARTEDLY AS I TRUSTED YOU. I HATE YOU FOR WHAT YOU DID TO ME. BUT OH MY GOD, THE TWISTED PART IS, I STILL THINK I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU."

top of my wishlist

I want to cut that beating vein on my wrist.
I want to slice my throat and watch myself bleed.
I want to suffocate myself and feel myself slowly dying.
I want to drown my body in the vast ocean and watch it swallow me whole.
I want to harm myself in any way possible.
I want to end it.
I want to kill it.
I want to stop my beating heart.
I want to make it stop.
I want to see my eyes roll to the back of my head.
I want to feel myself gasping for air.
I want to be dead.
I want to die.

notice me

Amidst it all,

you are still the person I crave for

every day of my life.

you know nothing

You don't know the voices inside my head at night, that are screaming at me, telling me off. You don't know the monsters I faced at midnight, how hungry they were for my soul, how they want to eat me alive. You don't know the dark shadows I fight with at 2A.M, they tried restraining my body to my bed, holding me captive. Don't tell me how depressed and sad you are, when you only felt half the battle I faced.

is it my turn now?

You're the type that always make time for your friends.

And I am a friend of yours for years.

But you never made time for me.

When will it be my turn?

where are you?

The only person who is always there for me for years, is now gone.
What have I done wrong?

you are gone for good

I miss our small talks, our late night conversations. I miss our arguments, and our disagreements. I miss your adorable smile when you look at me, and your cute laugh when I said something irrational and stupid. I miss how you would let me play with your fingers when you play with your phone, and how my hand perfectly fit in yours like it is meant to be. I miss how you would bring me to the movies, and hold me in the dark with your warm embrace. I miss everything about you. I wish it would continue that way, but it doesn't, and I desperately miss all of that. I just miss your presence, that's all.

the worst kind of pain

What hurts you the most is not when the person who meant the world to you, fell out of love with you.

But what hurts you the most is when the two person who brought you to the world, fell out of love with you.

a simple request

I am honestly tired of waiting for you.

For once, can you just, be there, like you used to?

carry me with you

"I don't want to promise this but I'll try my best not to leave you behind while I'm moving forward."

a prayer

Dear God,

I am tired of being who I am now; a constant failure to the world. Please give me back my confidence and my courage. I need to prove to them that my existence worth more than just a gift from You to my parents. I need to show them that I am alive for a reason, not just a failure. Please chase away the demons that haunt me every night, the eery whispers that echoes in my ears, the thoughts that left me suicidal, everything that could put me in a bad place. Please, I am begging you. I am tired of being depressed, feeling like crap every single time. I want to be like them too. I want to be happy with myself.

safety and comfort

All her life, Sadness always feels like her existence isn't good enough for the world. Until, she met Safety and Comfort.

Safety gave her protection; she feels safe whenever he is around. Whenever Sadness starts to feel insecure about herself, Safety came and rescue her.

Comfort calms her down; she feels peaceful whenever he is around. Sadness is always mad at the world but Comfort always tells her don't, cause everything will turn out okay eventually.

Sadness feels a strong bond between these two, that maybe with them around, she can be Happiness again. But every time she feels hopeful, everything turned out disastrous. She lost Safety. She lost Comfort. She was back to being alone.

give me time

Give me time to recover

from all that I have been through.

Give me time to erase

all of the bittersweet memories.

Give me time to learn

what love is really all about.

Give me time to fix

all of the mistakes I made.

Please give me time

cause it takes a lot of time for me

to trust anyone after this.

regrets

"Timing is irrelevant when two people are meant for each other. It's what I once believed.

But we met during a time where I was such a mess, when I still had so much to figure out. How could I have known how crucial every word, every action was or how losing you would be something I would always regret?

If only you could have met me now, how different it would be. How much I have changed. How I have grown. I learned so much from all the mistakes I have made with you. I just wish I had made them with someone else."

- Lang Leav //Lullabies//

growing up

At the age of 6,

I know how pain feels like.

At the age of 12,

I know time heals wounds.

At the age of 16,

I know love exists.

At the age of 18,

I finally know how to numb the pain.

happiness

Happiness is expensive, I can't afford it.