confession

An anonymous asked me who I really am, and what is my story. So bare with me the long context of my life.

My name is Syuhaidah, and I am suffering from dysphoria (dysphoria n. a feeling of emotional and mental discomfort and suffering from restlessness, malaise, depression or anxiety.) What drove me to a state like this is peer pressure.

I was once like most of you; a normal human being. Studying as always, is stressful as ever but that is pretty much normal for every student out there. Then, I was introduced to sixth form. It was no different than high school, but with more pushing, pressure and competition.

My second year as a sixth form student was hell. I became delusional, really. With the idea of getting into university (or not) drove me insane. I began pushing myself to an extent where it is unsafe for a human being. I was in distraught. My mind was messed up. I felt like giving up but I know if I did, it wasn't over yet. There are more challenges in life which is far worst than sitting for an A'level exam (or so I thought).

You know that feeling of relief where you thought you have gone through the toughest week of your life, and survived? Yeah, I was feeling hella good after the exam. But that didn't last long. The anticipation of the result got me pretty anxious and nervous. And you know that feeling where you thought you have done the best you could to ace an important test, but failed? Yeah, that happened. And I was never the same since. Because I knew I have done my best to get excellent results. But deep down I know, it wasn't enough. No matter how hard I tried to make ends meet, the line cuts in the middle before I finally get to the end.

Whenever I tried to sleep peacefully at night, it became a huge battle for me. When you have an incurable messed up mind, you can't help but stay awake. For a normal person, it will only take 15-20 minutes to fall asleep. As for me, an hour became two, or even three. I used to love sleeping when I was young. Sleeping at that age makes me feel safe from all the monsters around me. They said just close your eyes, and the monsters will disappear. Now, sleeping has become a discomfort for me. Staying awake is safer than falling asleep. Because when I do, somehow, those monsters which I successfully avoided all those years, have entered my sleeping state of mind.

There are two types of dreaming; the good and the bad. Having a good dream is probably the best night for anyone who gets to have a taste of it. It felt like paradise. Your mind is at peace and nothing can hurt you. But as always, every good dream will come to an end. Having a bad dream, however, is not what everyone has hoped for. Nobody wants a taste of this. It can be very scary, and to some people, it might feel somewhat real. To me, having a bad dream felt like drowning. All I see is black, and it's suffocating me. But I see figures of some sort, holding me captive. As much as I struggle to break free, these figures wouldn't let me go. And finally, I became a part of them. But for every reoccurring dream, it became from a constant struggle to finally accepting, and drown. They wouldn't let me wake up, and it's frightening. I could get lost in the vast emptiness of my sleeping state of mind, and couldn't find my way back home. But when I do wake up, I will be sweating and my heart will be racing, and a sense of relief washed over me. I survived, yet again.

At this point, all of you might be wondering, who are these monsters that torment my every being, that haunts my mind endlessly. These monsters are you, the society. Everyday, day or night, it is a minefield for me. For every step I take, I have to be extra careful not to step onto them. I have been bullied and stabbed by whom I call friends, whom I call family. You might think I might have taken it lightly, and just smile, but truth is, it hurts. Your words or actions will be a constant reminder for me of how much of a failure I am as a human being. I smile to hide away my fears, my pain. But if it gets too much for me to handle, I will cry in my room, in my sleep. Nobody has to feel this way, but I did. From then onwards, I put a strong facade, I build my walls higher, and I guard them with all my might, so you wouldn't see me break down and fall. I am strong physically, but emotionally, I am still soft and weak. I will still feel pain. I will still cry. But that doesn't give you a reason to hurt me even more, to see how far I will go. Because of you, I became the person I am now. I became a heartless bitch. 

If you knew me better, I am very dependent on others. I can't live on my own, and I can never live on my own. I always cling to others, like my life is dependent on it. As much as I tried to stay strong, deep down I am still weak. But no one understands me. This is why I hate opening up to others, because every time I do, they wouldn't understand, they took it as a joke. They said I can do this, I am old enough to carry myself, but I need hands to help me. And this is why I don't trust people easily, they would always misuse my trust. Hence why I pushed everyone away, because I had enough. I had enough getting hurt. I had enough getting judged. I just had enough with life. Nothing good has ever come my way. Even if there is, it wouldn't last as long as I have hoped for.

I don't want you to cling onto me like your life is dependent on it. I know how it feels like to be abandoned after years of trust. I'd rather be alone than having someone by my side, and leaves me when I became too difficult to handle. I don't want that. I had enough people leaving me for good. And that is one of the reasons why I pushed you away. It's better to run ahead than wait til the end. I'm sorry if you are one of the victims. Just know that, I'm doing this for your own good. You have a life of your own, don't waste most of them on me, because it is not worth it. I am not worth it. I am already a lost cause. I am poisoned with negativity, and nothing can bring me back to the way I used to. I am a pessimist, no good you have given my way will be accepted wholeheartedly. I am already at the edge, and one more push will cost me my death. And I don't want any of you to be the reason why I choose to end it. Let my death be my own decision.

I have tried multiple times to be nice, and when I do, I meant it, with all my heart. I am not trying to be pitiful, or asking to be pitied upon. I was only trying to fix myself by being nice. I know most of you will be mad at me, for what I did to you in the past. I am not asking for an apology, because I deserved it. But just know that, I am trying my hardest to be happy.

To everyone who I have pushed away, I am sorry. But I promise you, I am trying to get better. I am still trying to fix myself to be a better person. I have an unhealthy mind and I don't want to spread it to you with my constant rants and anger. I know you are trying to help but at this point, no help from you can ever fix me, but myself. I am already tainted. I am my own monster now, thanks to all of you. Now I am just waiting for my time to be genuinely happy.